Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Ultimatum

In yesterday’s post, which addressed the phenomenon, jealousy/envy, I briefly touched on the “pseudo ex”. For those of you who have not kept current with your Just GQs *cough cough*, I will redefine what I meant by the “pseudo ex” via The Big Green Monster.

Pseudo ex: “…in the new age of dating, where men and women act as though they retain either an allergy to or obsession with titles, pseudo exes describe those who serve as the “pretty much” boyfriend or girlfriend.”

So with the definition clarified, the question remains: how does someone end up a pseudo ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Well, speaking as someone with more pseudo exes than actual exes, I place titled relationships on an elevated pedestal as the majority of the population does. I believe everyone holds unique, personal conditions for which they must mentally prepare prior to voluntarily accepting the title “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”. For some, the monogamy thing stands in their ways; they do not want to only be with that one person. For others, they may genuinely be focused on their professional and/or personal progression and do not want to divide that focus for someone else. Personally, while the previous two examples received significant thought and concern, my number one stipulation lies in the consideration that I am willing to give another person and whether I can increase it to a level that will be satisfactory to my mate. As I stated before, I take titled relationships seriously, so if I know that I will be unable to perform up to my standard, I respectfully decline the invitation to be someone’s boyfriend.

Now once people hear the statement of decline, usually one of three reactions will occur.

  1. They ignore: People may confuse hearing “not interested” with “try harder”; easily confusable right? Sike ya’ mind. Generally speaking, the people who ignore declined invitations are proud people not used to hearing “no” or people who are truly believe that the person they are pursuing is worth humbling themselves to continue after rejection.
  2. They retreat: Another reaction people exhibit is full retreat, acting as if the conversation never even occurred. Some may try to go back to the type of interaction prior to, while others may disappear and not acknowledge the person they previously pursed.
  3. They befriend: The strategists befriend. They attribute the received rejection to poor timing, not knowing each other well enough, or any other circumstance that does not convey a mismatch. Those who befriend usually take it back to the drawing board and begin formulating their new strategy to win the one they desire.

As the pursuer actively subjects herself to the befriend—propose exclusivity—get rejected—re-strategize—befriend cycle in her quest for the apple of her eye, one could understand how frustration would build. At this point the title of this post becomes a pretty appealing option, as the person in pursuit clearly wants to be with the pursued party, but the pursuer begins to feel foolish in this perceived one-sided affair. At this time, something like the following dribbles from the fatigued pursuer’s lips, “Look, I’m tired of chasing you. Either we are going to be together or…”

Anything after the “or…” does not really matter, as it will most likely fall on deaf ears. Why people think this is an innovative, effective strategy baffles me. I will go ahead and say that anyone who exclusively chases for that long has my admiration because I KNOW I could never do that, but I digress. People configure the limits of other parties’ preparation and feel that after 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, they should be aptly prepared to be in an exclusive, monogamous relationship. In that exists an underlying fallacy because as a separate party, you cannot estimate another person’s prep time especially if the other party has maintained a lack of receptiveness to the idea. Presenting an ultimatum in most cases results in about a…let me see… carry the 3… a 0.03% success rate! The people who find success in forcing someone into exclusivity may find themselves getting cheated on or in a short relationship as that relationship was not where the other party wanted to be in the first place.

Speaking from experience, it is very possible to possess a desire to enter into an exclusive relationship with someone, but that desire may be deterred by poor timing, extenuating circumstances, or general emotional unpreparedness, which in waiting for its passing may extend the nonexclusive phase. We are unable to decide what is appropriate for others, so we should turn the focus to ourselves. If you feel that too much time has elapsed and you want to be elsewhere, then go. The other party has no choice but to respect your decision made in your best interest. Nagging, complaining, and presenting ultimatums will only lengthen the aforementioned phase or end everything altogether. If you choose to hang around, that too is a perfectly acceptable course of action but understand that if that door is chosen, you possess limited input rights because you have knowingly chosen to continue without a title. A relationship without a title makes commitment optional.

Thanks for checking in the game with Just GQ! We have made MAJOR strides on JustGQ.com, which is nearing its launch date! Please leave your comments and STAY TUNED for more Just GQ! God Bless!

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